don’t lead with “kidnap” in your pickup line.

there have been two times in my life when a creepy older man has said these words to me: “i want to kidnap you and take you into the mountains.”

seriously.

once was with my friend, beccajane, in scotland, where we were propositioned by a really old man (we could have out-run him) in line at a grocery store. first, he invited us to go into the woods and go camping with him. perhaps old men learn from experience that you should aim high and then settle for whatever company you can get. the second of his invitations was the proposal of a simple walking trip to some sort of “traditional” scottish sing-along, which actually turned out to be a BUNCH of old people who stumbled off a bus tour to drink beer and eat potatoes in a cafeteria while watching some little redheaded kids perform jigs. (maybe it was in ireland?) obviously, this scenario turned out to be quite entertaining, and the little old man was actually pretty darn funny.

the second time was about a year ago at a starbucks in suburbia, and it involved some weird-o guy hitting on me, offering the kidnapping line, then following me to my car, which, of course, refused to start. so, of course, he wanted to “help.” i remained in my car with the window up telling him to get the hell away from me. obviously, the latter scenario was way more scary and invasive, but why would any man ever lead with, “i want to kidnap you and take you into the mountains”? or ANY line involving abduction and remote locations, for that matter.

and it just happened AGAIN! what the hell?! What could I possibly be putting out there that says, “hey strange, creepy dude, please talk to me, and then I’d like to climb into your trunk after I grab this espresso.”

i’m 6’1, and not that i look like i could kick some ass, but i sure as hell wouldn’t go down without a fight. aren’t there better, weaker targets for such ridiculous questions? and, has this line worked before? i mean, do you have a criminal record? are you allowed be outside your apartment with that ankle bracelet?

That’s it — I’m no longer even making eye contact with strangers and I’m going to start taking tae kwon do or karate or something.

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